It has been a very trying 5 months. 5 months and counting of depression which I can’t seem to shake off. It started in October last year but I hit rock bottom last week. I will spare you the details but I became suicidal and was almost hospitalized. I actually seeked hospitalization because I really wanted to die but my preservation instinct kicked in. Unfortunately, things didn’t go my way and I still feel very unstable. My life is currently in hiatus while I try to get a better footing.

A lot of things brought this about. My disenchantment with Burlesque PH, my real and imagined isolation, the death of my favorite uncle on Christmas day, and my fear of the future. Things kept on piling up and a new medication may have triggered it or maybe not. I’ve stopped taking that medicine but there are more bad days than good. My friends and family do their best to make me feel better and I do try to distract myself by watching animes and my favorite kdramas. Live one day at a time, a good advice and the only one I can manage these days.

JJ’s breakdown

To my Yuri On Ice friends who don’t understand depression, it’s similar to JJ’s breakdown. Physically, we are fine but we view the world as twisted, dark, and skewed. And the fall is both metaphoric and literal (the feeling). We have to consciously choose to rise up and work our way up which feels very exhausting to our already frazzled nerves. JJ is lucky he has the support of his family and Isabella, otherwise, he might have given up on his skating career.

It takes time, it takes courage, it takes a lot of will, it is stressful, it is loathsome, but I do do try to fight this gaping maw somehow. I just need your support, your patience, your love, and your presence. Especially presence, virtual or in person, because my biggest fear is eternal loneliness which is my trauma way back since childhood. I am a social person and I like being surrounded by warm bodies to make me feel that I am solid.

feeling thinking

She is “feeling thinking,” well I’m “thinking feeling.” Any feelings I think seems real.

Yeah I still have a sense of humor somehow.

2 Comments on Clawing My Way Up

  1. Euri
    February 9, 2018 at 7:03 AM (3 years ago)


    • Karen Ang
      February 10, 2018 at 8:55 PM (3 years ago)

      Thank you <3


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